“What Love Really Means”

Song:

Vitiator rose from his seat as instructed, the awkwardness of the gesture feeling a little less uncomfortable than it had in the past. He had begun to acclimate to the services held each seven days to “Honor the King,” the strange habit of singing songs in unison and hearing “testimonies of the King’s work” becoming routine. He and Tephra were required to attend as part of their sentence for criminal activity. There were others who attended for the same reason, but their sentences were less severe. Tephra and Vitiator were the only ones required to reside in the palace and be monitored during all daylight hours. Of course, given the circumstances, Vitiator hardly considered their condition to be a ‘sentence’ at all. He and Tephra continued to feel bewildered at the strange way their captors had decided to ‘discipline’ them, the terms feeling much more like a rehabilitation program or some sort of conversion attempt rather than a punishment. The whole kingdom seemed to think generosity and kindness were the best ways to handle a wayward individual. Initially he and Tephra both had soberly, if not scornfully, accepted their sentence, but he found himself lately feeling much less like a captive and more like a guest of honor. In fact, he and Tephra were asked to sit in the very front row of seats in the large Celebration Room, right next to the Protectors of Lunarious themselves. Each Day of Honoring he was given a custom ensemble of the finest Lunarian tailoring, as was Tephra. The citizens said they dressed in such a way as to please and delight the King, and rather expectantly, provided the means for he and Tephra to do the same.

Music erupted through the hall, a chorus of voices filling the room as the congregation sang “Faith is the Vitctory,” a ballad about trust in the King helping one overcome all obstacles. Vitiator glanced to his side to catch a glimpse of what would no doubt be a sordid expression on Tephra’s face. She loathed the assemblies of Honor. To his surprise he found her expression to be rather serene, if not slightly vapid. Recently Tephra seemed a bit less vitriolic towards the King than she had in the past. Or, perhaps, simply more resigned. In any case, Vitiator found himself glad, relieved, even. He too was coming to terms with all this talk about the King. There was a part of him that wanted to believe that all that the people said about Him was really true, that it wasn’t simply a deluded belief, but in fact, the Truth. Could it be that there was an invisible, all powerful Ruler who not only cared for his subjects but adopted them as His own children? A King who pardoned all who asked forgiveness, no matter the crime? A Sovereign who guaranteed victory and security? It all sounded far too good to be true, and Vitiator had yet to find any substantial proof of the King’s existence. Still, a nagging thought whispered in his mind, he had yet to find anything to disprove the King either.

When the gathering had ended and the people were filing out of the great hall, Tephra turned to him, her usual snide expression returning to her face. No doubt the “testimony” delivered that day had not sat well with her. Vitiator grinned in anticipation of her sarcasm, that while bitter, was often witty and almost always amusing. Before she had a chance to voice her thoughts aloud, however, a voice called out over the crowd, “Vitiator! Tephra! A word, if you please,” The booming voice belonged to Lord Sunustra, who beckoned to them with his arm to come over to where he stood at the back of the great hall. Resuming a more cowed expression, Tephra glanced at her feet as the two made their way to the place Sunustra stood. Shame plagued her as it was made obvious before the entire mass of people gathered that day that she and Vitiator were different from everyone else; set apart by their past, doomed to condemnation forever. No one else was ever singled out this way. Vitiator sensed the humiliation she felt and wanted to help her, but knew not how. She seemed to see everything as an attack, no matter how it was presented. As for himself, he was simply curious about what Sunustra wanted, but Tephra was still always suspicious, always doubtful of their intentions. For better or worse, Vitiator had come to realize that the people here really did not intend to harm them. They have no intention of requiring the two of them to pay for their crimes and in fact seem very eager to help them. Whether their actions were truly helpful was, of course, another matter entirely. But he knew that at the very least they meant well, which is more than Tephra could say for them.

Tephra wrapped her fingers around VItiator’s strong arm, pulling herself close. Her jaw was set, and Vitiator saw the look of reservation in her eye. Internally he sighed, wistfully remembering the look of serenity she had worn earlier. If only she were able to relax like that more often. She was such a lovely woman, the most beautiful he had ever seen, but each day that passed she seemed harder, angrier, more resentful. It never occurred to Vitiator that Tephra was the same way she had always been and he was the one who was changing. Finally, he turned his attention to Lord Sunsutra, who was exchanging a rather nervous glance with his wife. They both seemed slightly giddy, though Vitiator couldn’t imagine why. His brow furrowed slightly and the corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile. What was it that they wanted? Lord Sunustra found his voice and began to address them, his brown eyes bright and sparkling. “Vitiator, Tephra,” he nodded to each of them respectively, “Lady Novella and I have been discussing the two of you at great length. We know you’ve been through many trails and upheavals in your past and while we can’t excuse what you have done in Lunarious we can understand it. The two of you possess a faithfulness to one another, a commitment to your love and devotion that we think needs to be celebrated. For some time now you both have served your sentence obediently and have given us no reason to think that you are still plotting treason. Therefore, if it is acceptable to you, we would like to honor your union by holding a wedding for you, to finally officiate your relationship.” Sunustra and Novella both smiled at them encouragingly, though Vitiator found himself not quite as glad as they about this proposal. A wedding? He turned to Tephra who was already looking at him with an equally quizzical expression.

When met with silence, Lady Novella decided to extrapolate. “It’s only that the two of you have never actually become husband and wife, and we can tell that you have an unbreakable bond. We’d like to give you the opportunity to openly celebrate your love and be able to publicly proclaim your promises to each other. We’ll have all the decorations prepared, and dancing, and a feast if you’d like. I think it would be beautiful,” she said kindly, smiling with elegance. Vitiator thought about this. It was true, a wedding was something he had never given Tephra. He’d considered her his wife for as long as they’d professed love for each other, but it would be meaningful to give her a vow assuring her that it was so. Warming to the idea, he ran his thumb over her knuckles gently. “What do you think?” he asked her, his sky blue eyes taking in her pensive golden ones. “I, I don’t know,” she said haltingly. There had to be a catch to this. A wedding? It was too nice. People just didn’t do things like that. People don’t throw parties for the criminals who killed their soldiers and tried to overtake their kingdom just because they were in love. It was crazy. Then again, they’d just sat through a ceremony of praise to an imaginary king so, she supposed, it was fitting that they were genuinely offering to throw them a wedding. They were just crazy. But besides that, she and Vitiator didn’t need any ceremony to prove their love! They were just as legitimately husband and wife as any other two people who committed themselves to each other. In fact, which their matching alchemy markings, they were probably bound together much more. Why did they need vows and rings and witnesses? It was all part of the Lunarians’ scheme to make them Servants of the King. Rejection on the tip of her tongue, she suddenly bit her lip when she heard Vitiator say “I think it’s a great idea.” What. He did? Tephra looked up at him, her eyes dark and brooding. He smiled at her, and immediately she felt her heart beat quicker. That smile was her lifeblood. As long as he kept smiling, she knew they would survive. Still, why hadn’t he refused the way she had expected? What did he mean it was a ‘great idea?’

“Tephra,” he said her name with affection, respect, and adoration all at once. “You are the most wonderful woman I will never know in all my life. I want to celebrate you! I want to declare to the heavens and back that you are the only woman I would ever call my wife!” He placed his hands over hers and leaned in to whisper to her “Won’t you let me do that for you?” He looked away, silence inferring the unmentionable. “I’ve never been able to, until now.” There was regret in his voice and it cut Tephra to the heart. No. There was nothing to be sorry for, nothing for which he needed to apologize! He was perfect, he always had been. If he was going to blame himself for not having thrown a wedding, Tephra wouldn’t stand for it. She would do anything to remind him that he was the best man in the world and not just for her, but for everyone. She would do whatever it took to restore him to his former confidence and help him remember he needed to be king. Even if it meant having a wedding in this deluded country.

Lord Sunustra held out his finger as he interrupted them with slight chagrin. “There is one caveat we have to add to our offer,” he said. “Weddings in Lunarious are always sanctioned by the King. Were you to be wed here, you would need to make your vow before Him.”
“Meaning we accept his adoption, that we repent of our actions and become his children, trusting him as our Father,” Vitiator clarified, surprising even himself how much he remembered from the testimonies.
“Yes,” Sunustra nodded solemnly.
Vitiator pondered this new element to the situation. He would do anything for Tephra, but it seemed cheap to lie about having faith in the King simply to give her a lavish ceremony. Of course, the only other alternative was to actually believe in the King. It was crazy, of course. But he wanted faith. All rational, strategic, logical parts of his mind raged at the notion of placing trust in an invisible being but his heart ached to believe. To finally let Someone else be in charge, finally surrender to Someone else to lead, finally love a Father who cares for his children, finally stop fighting so hard, finally have joy and be happy. Maybe it was delusional. But what did they have to lose? Vititator was never going to be a ruler, he knew that now. They could either live out the rest of their days here as criminals… or as children of the King.

Tephra watched him nervously. Why was he taking so long to answer? What could their possibly be to consider? The wedding was off. Believe in the King? The very notion was absurd! Even if there was an invisible ruler who cared for these people why would he love her? And if he really was King of all worlds like they said where had he been when her father ran away? When she and Vitiator were so hungry and despondent that he mutilated his body have powers that could help them survive? Where had he been when they’d first been forced to kill a man? Why hadn’t He helped them? Why hadn’t he cared for them like the Lunarians said He would? Because He wasn’t real. And even if He were, it was obvious He hated Tephra. If He really loved her, none of those things would have happened. The King was a lousy father, just like her actual father had been. Even if He was real, Tephra wanted nothing to do with him.
“If that’s the case, we refuse your offer,” she said coldly. Vitiator glanced at her, he face impassive.
“We do?” he asked.
“Of course we do!” Tephra stammered, her sneer quickly replaced with disbelief. What was wrong with Vitiator? He wasn’t acting like himself at all. Where was the man who had said he’d rise to the top and rule the world for her? Vitiator sighed heavily.
“Please give us some time to consider this,” he said apologetically to Lord Sunustra.
“Of course,” Sunustra answered. “We’ll take our leave.” He and Novella exited quitely. It was obvious things hadn’t gone as they had hoped.

Silence hung heavy in the air between them. The last time this had happened was the day Vititator had professed his love for Tephra and she hadn’t known how to accept it. That had been twenty years ago. Now, again, Tephra was faced with a love she wouldn’t, couldn’t, accept. “Tephra, what if we’re wrong?” He asked her. “What if the King is real?”
“W-we’re never wrong,” she immediately countered. “How could you possibly think these fools who follow an imaginary ruler know better than we do?” Vitiator closed his eyes. He heard the pain in her voice, the tremble, the fear. He had sworn to eliminate that fear. He had promised her that he would make everything in the world right so that she would never have to be afraid. But how long could he keep pretending? How long could he keep up this impossible dream of being a supreme ruler that would protect her from any and every threat? As much as he loved Tephra, and he did, he LOVED her more than his own breath, the weight of their fantasy was becoming more than he could bear.
“Because a King of the nature they describe would be able to protect infallibly, rule justly and love constantly. But a man… a man can’t do those things. And I’m only a man. I will never be a king, Tephra. I will never rule the world for you. I’ve failed. The only way I can live with myself now is if I believe that there is One out there who will protect you, will keep you from harm and heal your hurt, will love you perfectly.”
Panic started to swell inside Tephra. This couldn’t be happening. Everything her fragile psyche hinged upon was coming loose with each word Vitiator spoke. He was her rock, her security, her reason for being. He was the reason she had endured the hardest of times, all her faith placed in who he was. Now he was abandoning everything they’d ever hoped for in exchange for some myth? This was worse than if he had died in the war, worse than if he had never awoken from his coma, worse than if he had never rescued her as a child in the dungeon of her father’s castle.

“Tephra, please,” Vitiator asked her, reaching to take her hands in his, but she pulled away. “Don’t you see the way people behave here? Don’t you see how happy they are, how peaceful and generous they can be? By all accounts our projections were right, this should have been the easiest, swiftest takeover in history. Yet… we were defeated. And despite all our violence and destruction they’ve been nothing but fair and kind to us.” His familiar smirk crept out as he admitted “They are crazy. But how else can you explain it? I know it doesn’t make sense but there’s something about the King that makes me excited. When they take about him, as bizarre as it is, I start to feel hopeful. I want us to start over, Tephra. I’m exhausted from letting the past define us. I promised you once that people would someday call you ‘Princess’ again, but that was never my promise to make. But if we become children of the King, He would fulfill that. Just think how different we could be if we let Him establish us, like the people here do? All the power and authority we wanted given to us instead of taken by force!”

Tephra’s heart was breaking. She hadn’t seen this look in his eyes in so long. It just like when they were young. Vitiator’s grand vision, his optimism, his heroic ideals. All the things she had loved about him, now creating a divide so wide she felt she would never know him again.
“I’d rather not believe in the King at all than believe he’s my Father. He’s just like my real father, a coward who leaves me to suffer when I’m at my worst. You’re the only one who’s ever loved me or cared for me, you know that! Even if the King is real, it’s obvious Hhe hates both of us. You know why the people here love Him? Because everything is easy and perfect and happy for them. They’ve never been left to be used and killed like we were!” Tephra met Vitiator’s eyes, her lashes brimming with hot tears. “If the King is real, He has a lot to answer for.” Furious and confused she turned away from him and stode out of the hall. She had to get away from that place, the halls where the Lunarians praised their pretend Father. Everyone was wrong, everyone was deluded. Surely Vitiator would come to his senses. He’s just become a bit too sympathetic to their ways of thinking. Given time, he’d return to normal, Tephra consoled herself. But the heaviness in her heart wouldn’t disapate. A lump ached in her throat as she ducked into an empty room. Shutting the door behind her she crumpled to the floor, weeping. She was going to lose him too. Tephra had never felt more alone in her life.

ViItiator watched her go, not knowing what to do. He loved her so much, but he knew it was fear and hurt that were keeping her from believing. It wasn’t any rational argument or strategic analysis. It was the same fear and hurt that he’d worked so hard to abolish all these years. Despite her haughtiness and brilliance Tephra was still as frightened and vulnerable as she had been the night he had found her as a six year old girl. Vitiator dropped to his knees, grief overtaking him. He had built himself up to be a god, only to fail her. “I”m sorry!” He pleaded, his heart seeking out the King. “I’m sorry I thought myself enough to protect her. I’m sorry I fashioned myself a king to secure her, I’m sorry I killed innocent men and destroyed so much to try to take what was never mine in order to relieve her! I only wanted to love her. I only wanted to make things right. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry–” Vitiator felt tears running down his face for the first time in thirty years. It felt wonderful to be honest. He inhaled and felt as though he were breathing for the first time, his lungs were so light and full. Freedom.

“Then he heard a voice,
Somewhere deep inside
and It said ‘I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
and I’ve watched you suffer
All of your life
But now that you’ll listen,
I’ll tell you that I will love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become,
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew.”

“Father,” Vitiator said the word aloud, the beauty of it irresistible. He had to say it again. “Father! I want her to know this. I want her to know this love! Father, please,” he begged “Please help my wife.”